Sam: You should come to my house for dinner. Come have dinner with me and my girls. And my mom. Just be with a family for a night. You could have some home-cooked food or some home-ordered takeout.
Jeff: You guys go, like, way back.
Sam: Yeah. We go way, way back. You know this. My dad and I got in a fight, and, uh, he kicked me out of the house, and I was so scared, and she took me in, and she got me a job.
Jeff: Whoa.
Sam: Yeah, she was 19 and she was already taking care of people. She was amazing. She was full of confidence. She was so beautiful. I mean, I never knew anybody who had so much potential. And then she met you, Jeff. Jesus, did she love you. Yeah. And here's Sunny, this woman who loves so hard and she tries so hard, and she just ends up pouring all of that love into you for years. Jeff, do you know what that's like to watch your friend, someone you love, someone who is like a goddess with the power to fly to the moon and shine a light on the world, and she ends up using all of that power just to keep her fat, shit, useless, boring stoner husband barely afloat? It's just a shame, Jeff.
Jeff: Well, here's the thing. I know that you have sucked your share of dicks, huh? I've heard about you.
Sam: That's okay, buddy. Don't bother. I don't care what you know.
Jeff: Okay, well, here's the thing. I'm gonna have to say that I cannot believe that you just said all of that to me. Jesus, I'm offended. Serious.
Sam: Don't worry about it. You won't remember. You know why I know that? Because I said all of this to you five years ago, and you don't remember because you've smoked 10,000 joints since then, so good night, Jeff.
Duke: Are you gonna marry him?
Mel: Hey, Duke? You need to learn how to whisper.
Sam: Mom, did you take our phone book? Because I noticed all the neighbors have their phone books.
Phyllis: No, no. Why would I take your phone book? I took my phone book, which was left at your step.
Sam: No, that's mine.
Phyllis: I always ask for two phone books, and they only brought one, so the one at your step must be mine.
Mel: Um, did you not tell your mother that you were bringing home a black man?
Sam: What? Oh, no. Of course not. That's not. No. I mean, what? No!
Mel: You should've told her.
Sam: No, no, no, no, no. I'm telling you, that's not a thing. My mother is just insane. She makes people feel weird. It's like her hobby.
Mel: No, Sam. She's over 70, okay? You warn her that a black man's coming over, even if it's to fix the cable box.
Sam: Omigawd. I'm telling you, my mother is not like that. She marched for integration.
Mel: It doesn't matter, okay? I'm not calling your mother racist. I'm calling her over 70. You tell an old white lady ahead of time, okay? You warn her. It's the right thing to do for the old lady and the black guy coming over.
Phyllis: The last time I was in London, I went to Harrods to buy pantyhose, and so I go to the lingerie department, and Harrods had their own brand of pantyhose, and they're the only ones I wear, and you can only buy them at that counter. And their hose has three colors: Nude, White, and Nigger Brown. That was the name of the color. And that's the color I always buy. So I go to the counter and the young woman who was working there happened to be black. And I said to her, "I would like medium size hose." And she says, "What color, please?" and so I said, "Nigger Brown." And she was shocked. I said it just like that. I could see she was upset. I said to her, "I did you the honor of not noticing your color. Would you do me the honor of getting my item for me?" So she went and got them and after that, I paid for the hose. Just so you know. Oh, I need to use the loo.
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